Cricket Captains Anonymous

Psychologist : So I’m sure neither of you really want to be here on a Saturday afternoon but let’s get things out in the open and see if we can   find out what’s troubling you both

Dilshan: Actually, I had nothing going on since we got cleaned up by the Aussies inside 3 days again. * Long Sigh*. So I’ve got plenty of time to do some soul searching

Dhoni:  Can’t say the same, I’m pretty much floored with work. I really just wanted to get away from … where’s Ricky by the way?

Psychologist: Ricky doesn’t attend these meetings anymore. He called up one night and told me he’s made a new beginning or something. Good for him. Anyway, Dilshan, tell me what’s been going on with you?

Dilshan: It’s more like what hasn’t been going on doc. God; I’m just so fed up with all this work. Captain’s reports, post match conferences. Dinners with curators. It’s INSANE!  Everyone wants to talk about something or the other and it feels like everything’s caving in. Man, I just want to go out there and hit the ball and roll my arm over when I get bored you know. None of this other stuff.  The papers are going on and on about my form. Not to mention the constant calls from my Mother about when I am going to shave off my goatee. I mean it’s my life right.  I can do what I want. Right? Right….. ?

Pysch:  Yes, it is your life and you are in control TM. Stay in control – you know what happens when you don’t. Remember. What about you MS? How’ve you been getting on?

Dhoni: Not bad. Everything is going ok apart from a couple of hiccups. Nothing to report.

Pysch: Are you sure? What about this business with Nasser calling some of your players Donkeys or something?

Dhoni: Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Nasser can call my players whatever he wants. Doesn’t make it true.  Now, I can say Nasser has head which has a stark resemblance to an egg. You can turn around and say he is an Egg head. Doesn’t make it true – or it does? You tell me. Depends on what you want to believe. I heard Tom Moody compared Russel Arnold to a little black turtle on air. I think that is more offensive

Dilshan: HAHAHAHAHA, oh god, that is classic Tom. Just picture it, a little turtle with Arnies head. Oh god, priceless!

*Suddenly pauses*.

I miss Tom you know. I always felt safe when he was around. I think it was those large hands he had.

Pysch: True MS, but how did it make you feel?

Dhoni: I told you, he can say whatever he wants. The media can say whatever they want. It does not affect me.

Physch: C’mon MS, saying how you feel out loud always helps. C’mon – you can do it.

Dhoni: Ok, you want to know how I feel. I’ll tell you how I FEEL. You wanted me to win the WC. I won you the WC. You wanted me to get to make India the no1 test side. Well guess what. I DID!  And we lose one series, ONE series, and everyone starts going on about how we need some guy called Donny Angus to review me and my team. Who the hell is that anyway? What a LOAD OF CROCK!

*Dilshan suddenly runs out of room*

Pysch: Ignore him. Who was the ‘You’ you referred to there?

*Dilshan bursts into the room dressed up as a pirate and bottle of rum in hand*

Dhoni: What the..I’d heard about this, is this when he starts pretending he is someone else?

Pysch: It’s called DID – dissociative identity disorder. When Dilshan encounters stressful, confrontational situations, his mind splits into another character. In this case – he thinks he is the Pirate Jack Sparrow.

Dilshan: Arr ya mayteys ready to travel to the ends of the world with your cap’n. Break out the sails and rum boys, set course due north. Arr.

*Starts singing*

Fifteen men in the test match squad. Yohohoho and a bottle of Rum!. None could get us to two hundred once. Yo hoho ho and a bottle of

*Starts sobbing hysterically.*

Psych: Just ignore him. Ironic isn’t it, a pirate brought to tears.

Dhoni: IRONIC? Try this for ironic, I feel like a human DRS, so much expectation placed on something that obviously can’t deliver every time.  I mean it was ONE series. A few games, really.

Pysch: Ok, let me try another technique…

Dhoni: Oh, so NOW it’s my technique is it, Look here, I might not be exactly like Dravid or a Sachin, but I have my unique way. It gets the job done – so it failed in ONE series. ONE. YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME.

Psych: No no, I didn’t mean that at..

Dhoni: Save it Miss. This session is over *Slaps Dilshan across the face*. Snap out of it you nut head. Let’s get our boards to organise some bilaterals – lord knows we could do with some down time.

*Grabs Dilshan and storms out of room*